A Letter of Forgivness

[deZengo]

I wrote this February 2007 before I really knew how to handle my own emotional pain in a positive constructive manner. I just read a post from Amit on Understanding Forgiveness and it reminded me of this message in a bottle. The letter was not written to actually be read - it was written to FREE ME from the shackles of anger, bitterness, fear, pain, hurt ... It allows me to begin living again!

I cannot express how much love I have for you women & gentle men who write / share & teach us how to rise above.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To My ex Husband,

It has taken me a long time to realize and fully understand that the very best thing I can do for me, my children and for you is forgiveness. I was hurt, devastated really in the beginning, which is completely normal given the circumstances of your departure. How could I have prepared better when I had no idea you had planned your exit for many years and just waited for the right opportunity to dispose of me and the children? I felt incredibly stupid for not seeing the metaphorical "writing on the wall," but I loved you and I wanted our marriage to work. I did not hide assets, find a spare tire, or make plans for raising the children as a single mom. I have managed to forgive myself for my own nativity and ignorance and fully believe that even though this was one of the most painful situations in my life -- I have become a better person for it.

My dependence on you for love, friendship, support, happiness ... well, pretty much everything was not healthy. Yet, I tried to be the type of wife that I thought was correct. Perhaps I gave too much in some areas or depended on your happiness to guide my own. I looked to you for leadership within the family and there was none. Rather than take the opportunity and expose my (our) children to my own religious upbringing, teachings and beliefs I allowed my desire to make my marriage work detour me from my own true path. I am and always have wanted to be a mother and to experience the joys and hardships that go along with having a family. I am sorry that we were a burden on you and did not bring you the type of pleasure that you deem important in your life. Some day you may (or may not) regret the pain you have caused me and both boys. It matters not - because I have gained more from one divorce than many learn in a lifetime of heartaches and I am truly a blessed individual.

Please forgive yourself! We have already forgiven you and realize that you are no different than any other "human" who does not have the light in their life. I believe your actions were out of ignorance, possibly selfishness in some areas as well--but it is not for ME to judge you or your decisions. I did not have the strength to leave you on my own, even after there were signs of abuse.

I was weak...co-dependant...scared....and I will have to live with my decisions, the resulting pain & effect it has had upon my children. The more in tune I become with God (the creator) and his wishes and desires for my life it is apparant to me that praying for you is important! Your childhood caused you some of the inner pain that you carry and some of it you brought upon yourself, but please know that when you are ready...when you finally see and realize what you have done know that good has come from your choice.

I am a much stronger and independent woman because of the loss of you. Evaluating my own life, facing near death, and still having to fight YOU in all areas of the divorce--financial and children made me reach rock bottom. The great part of that was that once I reached the bottom, I realized I did need help from God and from my family. I was able to let go of my pride and open my life to new opportunities and growth. Again, I would have preferred a kinder / gentler divorce and even a little human compassion; but, the course of events have changed and shaped my life for the greater good. The situation has also changed the children. It has and will take much more time on my part in an effort to heal their broken spirit -- but I am not alone in the fight. They are taking charge of their life at an early age and dealing with their pain, anger, hurt in a more positive and correct manner. Your son prays for you daily and hopes that some day...for YOU...that you find healing of your own broken spirit.

If the day comes that you are ready to face your choices, ask forgiveness and make real life changes I honestly believe he will be there for you. Your own parents and other family members who you have cut out of your life still love you! Of course they are hurt and no doubt they are afraid of getting hurt again by you; but, don't ever think for a second that they are not praying for you EVERY SINGLE DAY. By the way, I used to resent your grandmother's prayer. I always felt like she was a saint and that you deserved "ultimate punishment!" That is not what the bible commands me to feel and rightfully so.

When and if you get to the point, as I did, that you feel you have reached the bottom and there is no way up -- ask for divine guidance. Ask for forgiveness and you will be forgiven! Ask for assistance and you will have more help than you can imagine. I do not agree with how you treated me or the children but as one human to another I forgive you for all you have done. I pray for you and hope that some day you will "feel" divine inspiration and love.

In closing, I realize you may not realize I wrote this for you but God does. I am setting myself free from the cage of fear / anger / pain I was once caught in. I put this out into the cosmos because I know that we all are trying to find our "path" and to feel completely free we must give up and follow a righteous guided direction. You are stubborn...so was I! You were hurt as a child or adult...so was I. You may have not even known how much you hurt others while living your life....so haven't I. Despite myself, God loves me and I believe he is using me in ways I never imagined. Remember, there is NOTHING you have done that will change how HE feels about you and nothing he cannot forgive, you just have to ask.

In His Love,



P.S. Your family loves you...and someday when you are ready...don't be afraid to reach out to them. Your aunts are amazing women and have been a constant source of inspiration to me and the children. Look to them, for they keep GO(o)Dness close to their heart.
Who'd thunk that I would be able to look back and feel no pain - sorrow - regret. You opened the door to my future and I didn't even know it.

[deZengo]

I believe that forgiveness is most assuredly an imortant step toward Inner Peace! It feels like a lifetime ago. The pain is gone, the lessons remain.

Jai Gurudev

[Niki]

Beautiful!

Only through forgiveness can we truly open to the deeper sentiments of compassion and unconditional love. It is so important to learn not only to forgive and let go of the pain caused by others, but also of the pain we inflict either consciously or unconsciously on ourselves.

Once we learn to forgive and love ourselves freely and completely, no matter what, without judgment, only then can we love as God loves...truly and purely, not only ourselves but others.

[amit]

shared

[Tayira]

Hatred darkens the road ... The best way to walk in peace in this world is just that .. be at peace with ourselves through forgiveness and letting light into our souls...It is a wonderful letter dear de Zengo!!!!! Thanks a lot for sharing!!!!!!!